What ‘desiring to have my name in lights’ taught me about love.

It was late, nearly 12 pm, and I was so hungry! They finally let us out of the dance room where me and about 50 other girls had been for the last almost twenty hours! My stomach could be heard roaring over the booming music and the shouts of the choreographer yelling, “Here we go again, 5-6-7-8!” To be completely honest I could have cared less at that point if I was a part of MTV’s Making of the Band reality show! I had auditioned in Miami and they loved me! Now I was in New York City as one of the finalists and all I wanted was to be invisible. What had started out as such an alluring idea, possibly getting picked to be on TV, and having my name in “lights” was turning into a decision I was regretting.

I found myself on the streets of NYC just a few blocks from Time Square. Although it was almost midnight the lights of the city made it feel much earlier. I had managed to slip out ahead of the rest of the group because I didn’t want to talk about the big audition the next day with everyone. The truth is I was actually plotting how I was going to get out of this one!

As I waited to cross the street to grab some food at a deli, I looked up and saw a billboard with an advertisement on it. What struck me was the woman in the picture. She looked like whatever she was selling was the greatest thing she had ever seen. Her face beamed. She was there, for all to see, lit up in the middle of the city that never sleeps. She looked ecstatic, but for whatever reason in the moment as I looked up at her, I felt like I saw past the glitz and caught a glimpse of myself. For the first moment in all of the whirlwind I’d been caught up in, I saw that I was striving to be “famous” because I was so desperate to be seen!

How did I get here?

I had a really good life! I was a mom to an incredible little boy, who I loved more than anything! I was recently divorced and was currently rockin’ the divorce diet body (not recommended, but anyone that has gone through one knows it’s one of the only perks) I had a great job, I beat up bad guys for a living at the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular at Disney, and I had a friend group that was amazing. So what was up with this pursuit I was on to be seen…. I actually asked myself that very same question before I stepped off the curb and headed to the next block.

Maybe you can relate.

It may not have been your name in lights, but maybe you just wanted some light to shine on you so that you would be noticed. It’s crazy, when we don’t talk about some of the basic human needs we have for our survival, we can find ourselves pursuing some crazy things just to feel significance. Right! I mean my need to be seen was screaming from a basic need to know that I mattered. I was convinced that somehow making the final cut for a reality TV show, that was created to have people see the worst in each other, was going to fulfill a basic need. That maybe I would feel a connection because so many people would see me, get to know my heart, and then love me.

Our basic needs will not go away. If left unattended we will have them met in worldly ways. There is not a source in the world that will ever be enough to be the one that meets our needs and give us what we need to be complete.

Which brings me back to that moment, there on the streets of New York, with all the lights and distractions, I felt a prompting from inside. It was so peaceful. It was the voice of my Father, the One who created me, and had given me my destiny. That I wouldn’t find myself and who I was supposed to be there on the streets of New York City! He wasn’t talking to me about what was to come, He was reminding me that I was loved! Right there, in my mess. My need to be seen would be fulfilled with my eyes on Him. So, I could see, through His eyes, the way that He saw me. It was powerful. I was overwhelmed. In that moment the amount of light I felt shining from within me, put the lights of the city to shame. I knew that nothing I was pursing in the world would light me up the way I was desiring. I let go of what I was pursuing and let His everlasting love for me, well up inside me. I literally let myself be loved by the One who is love!

This brings me to today. I have spent a lifetime trying to understand love, and the desire we all have to obtain it. I have tried, and at times had some wins, and at other times had some big fails, at love. What I am struck with is that, before we can do anything at all in love, we have to allow ourselves to be loved. It’s interesting because I think for a lot of us, myself included, we attempt to go out and give away what we don’t feel in full possession of yet. It’s why we are out there lovin’. We secretly desire to be loved in return, its normal, it is one of our basic needs. We haven’t spent time allowing ourselves to be loved by our Creator. Letting Him love us in the middle of our messes, right where we don’t even like ourselves.

 Until we allow our source of love to come from the fountain that will never run dry, Jesus, we will continue to tap into sources, like I did, thinking that my name in lights would somehow give me that connection, and fill my desire. It wasn’t until I realized my source for my needs, is in the One Who created me and that He is the only way to really achieve that feeling of complete. From that place of understanding our value, we can then go and live loved! We aren’t trying to get it in what we do, or what others think, we are living it, every day from the overflow of Him.

What about you?

Have you given yourself permission to live loved?

I’d love to hear from you about how you live loved too.