Forced Listening

Have you ever been forced to listen? I mean really listen. It’s harder than one might think. The kind of listening that can’t respond with talking as a way to answer.

 I can say I have had to now two different times in my life. Once twenty some years ago, and the most recent is now. I have a polyp on my vocal chord that has me on vocal restrictions. I’m not talking (no pun intended) the one day of silence, or even two, but days upon days of limited to, or no response verbally, to everyone and everything around you, and absolutely no singing!

 Twenty years ago I was a young woman, working as a performer for a living, I wasn’t a mime so you can imagine how difficult that time was. I was out of the show I was doing, on and off, for an entire year due to a vocal polyp that happened from screaming in the show.

It was devastating to me.

Not only did I do that show full time, but I also did a few singing shows part time, and I wasn’t able to do my show or to sing at the other ones! And to make matters even more complicated I was a young mom to a very rambunctious two year old. He was all energy, going in every direction all of the time, and all I could do was mime to him what I was trying to say!! (I have nothing against miming, but it is not an easy way to get across what you want to communicate to a two year old) He would cry and want me to soothe him with singing like I always did, and I couldn’t. I felt worthless.

 My identity was completely wrapped up in all of these things. I struggled silently for that entire year. As a last resort my doctor had to surgically remove it. He let me know that because of where it was it would be risky, but it needed to be removed.

I sank even lower into a feeling of not being enough. I had done everything I was told to do to make it disappear, and it didn’t.

Surgery brought even more challenges. Absolutely no talking! I felt like I was drowning in plain sight and no one was there to rescue me. Life around me felt like a reflection of all of my failures.

I think I should note here that I was a believer then, but I didn’t understand my belief. I was still in a perform for my value mentality. I didn’t know my value came in what Jesus performed for me, by coming to earth and taking all of my failures to the cross and redeeming me as His own, back to my identity as enough because of what He accomplished. That would come a few years later.

So I suffered in silence. And it was deafening.

I didn’t understand the gift of listening then.

I was on a month of no talking at all. And when I finally could again I was scared to. I was so consumed with the idea of not being able to sing, I lost sight of the gift of speaking, communication again with my voice.

Well our God is a miracle maker, and let me tell you there is a miraculous story about how He used a very good friend of mine to be His reflection so I could understand my worth. I sang again! I will share that journey for another time.

I’m not saying that I completely understand this gift now, the gift of forced listening, this time around, but I do know that I am able to see my value as loved. And what Jesus did for me then is still true now!

So currently I am on a self- enforced, doctor approved, vocal rest for two weeks. After that we will see what the polyp looks like.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid, I am.

But, this time  I know what casts out ALL fear, Gods PERFECT love for Me!

So I wait in mostly silence for me for my miracle to unfold.

He has me. No matter the outcome.

 So back to my initial question about forced listening. I’d like to respond.

I know there are some really good listeners in the world. In fact I think my entire friend and family group are probably some of the best. Heck, I would have even considered myself a good listener, and for the most part I am, but this is next level listening.

When you can’t verbally answer back, you listen through the entire thought that the other person is saying. If you don’t have great typing skills, or spelling skills (no comment Eve and mom) you are forced to think through how you want to respond.

So many times in conversation, something the other person says strikes a chord (again no pun intended, I’m on a roll ) and we are already formulating our response.

It’s just what we do.

When you can’t verbally respond you listen to the end of a person’s response and then you try to act out, or write out, a response.

When you’re in a group you can slip into the background of conversation, because it’s a lot to try to write as fast as the group is holding a certain topic. If you get stuck trying to write a response to one person, the conversation has moved on and the moment is lost.

When I was going through this twenty some years ago, this was so challenging for me. I felt left out. And not being a part of what was going on in conversation felt like rejection.

Now, I listen. I formulate a response when someone is talking to me, or if there is a short answer I can scribble down quickly on my dry erase board (yes I am old school. It’s much easier to be in the conversation when people can read your words)

…But mostly I sit in my silence and feel loved.

It’s interesting for me to feel a noticeable difference this time. I still am facing the unknown, yet I am at peace. I can’t sing, and that’s really hard, but I can still express my adoration of my Lord through my heart. And to be honest, when you’re not singing, you can actually catch so much more. The words (correctly) the timing, the phrasing, the expression, the build and swell. Each instrument and what it is doing….I could go on and on. It’s like the angels see the many facets of God and being blown away each time! How Great is the Lord God Almighty!

He has always been here inviting all of us to know Him more. In so many other ways than just talking. It’s beautiful, oh how I adore Him.

I know how much He adores me, He shows me every day.

 So this is my season I’m in right now.

It’s not great timing, I have so much going on that involves my voice, but it’s His timing, so I know that’s it’s good!

So I will listen.

And if you’ve read all of this to the end, thank you for listening to me.